Breakdowns and Rescue Songs

so, i had a breakdown today, and on sunday. basically, my family talks shit about me when they don't think i can understand their portuguese. to start, my host-little-brother unraveled my dental floss and poured shit over my photos, and then didn't admit to it directly when i confronted him, and instead tried to be all buddy buddy with me afterward (in the morning in the space of time it took me to walk out of my room to the bathroom and back, therefore not locking the door) by banging on my door and window and opening my door twice while i was changing. so i just sat on my bed and sobbed. i was really overwhelmed with these two kids in my house (my host-little-sister was also banging on my window with him), who i knew were just accidentally making mistakes and trying to have fun with me, but made me feel so overwhelmed and invaded in my privacy. and i think they heard me sobbing and some adults get up coincidentally at the same time, because they stopped all of a sudden. but later, my host-mom had her 2 sisters and other family over, because sundays are family days in my house and we have lots of food and drink (not so much me, but everyone else because i think my host-mom is touchy about me drinking a lot), and i think she got drunk with her family and started talking about how i had forgotten to call her before coming home late 3 times the past week. and i had. but one of the times was when i was literally out with everybody (pelourinho on tuesdays), the other was friday night (which i had told her i would be out for, but not very late, and was rosh hashanah, jewish new year, which she knew i was celebrating), extending to saturday night (jewish holidays go from sundown to sundown). and i believe she literally said about me, as i listened to her family talk about me for half an hour, that "it must be because she doesn't have a mom. that's why she doesn't like calling to let people know where she is."
i was hurt, but i let it roll off. i figured it wasn't worth it to get upset about, because it all sounded so indignant, after she had already discussed it with me infront of her family members who i do not know at all over lunch, laughing a little when i didn't understand what they were saying to each other about me. then, today, we were supposed to go to this religious ceremony of a religion holding over from angolan slaves here called "candomble". and you're supposed to wear white to it, right? but i didn't understand that you were supposed to wear a separate set of clothes to the temple, have a shower there to cleanse yourself, and THEN change into white clothes. because it was all said in portuguese. and i'm still learning portuguese, right? so i show up in all white clothes, and one of the program coordinators basically yells at me (in portuguese, again, which i cannot understand very well at this point, and she doesn't understand english at all, no words, whatsoever, so this is a very stressful situation in which to get yelled at, and my friend tanya has to translate for me) and tells me that i'll have to buy something else to wear. but i ran out of money (i think i had the equivalent of about US$40 stolen, and literally eat fruit and cheese sandwiches for lunch, because that's what i can afford) until i can cash in more travelers checks, so i have no money to buy anything with and she just kind of laughs at me while i tell her this. and tanya asks me if i want to go to the bay look-out that's in my program office, and i just start sobbing again. about how incompetant i feel, and how i'm getting low Bs in this bullshit program that has literally taught me close-to-nothing near a brown class in more than 3 weeks, and i can't even complain properly in portuguese, which sucks, because only 2 of my 4 program coordinators knows good english. and then the womyn that had been so mean to me looks really shocked that i'm crying, and other students see me, and it's almost this really big scene before tanya kind of calms me down. and yeah. it's been really tough here.

but on the bright side, i've tried to compensate for the bullshit in my program right now in doing positive things for myself, which is a really big benefit to this program in the end. i'm near the beach, i'm learning about my insecurities with language and how to overcome them or security and laughter, and i'm jogging every day now near my house at this beautiful lake called dique de tororo (it's 3 km, and i do it once every day).
basically, even though i have to read about what an ethnography is over 80 pages and why humyn rights are important for 150 more, i'm building my own character. and i love it.

i'm enjoying myself, but in a very different way than i expected i would. learning some essential things about barriers i cause myself in every-day tasks and interactions, even in english.

today, in a field trip visit to a candomble temple, people go into trance as they "become" angolan g-ds which imitate christian ones (it's kind of problematic), and this womyn in trance had to smoke cigars basically (it's kind of strange, but really interesting to see) and dance to improvised music through the deity she's imitating. and as the room filled with smoke and left the room and came back in circulation, i felt something. not much of anything, but i think it was a certain amount of inner clarity. i acknowledge that my anger here is because i hate feeling incompetent. i'm just frustrated that very few people here understand/care to understand my issues with the curriculum and assign us diaries to complete in the place of field research. though it gives me more time to go to the beach.
positively, i picked a g-d in candomble that i most identify with, and its name is iansa. and she's married to a g-d named xango. and iansa's the g-d of storms and lightning and wind, and xango's basically the g-d of fire and power. isn't that interesting? my life is full of rebel mamas.

in summation, i put my itunes shuffle on on my laptop every night now too, and a bunch of good songs came on, including "i dreamt i was an architecht" by the decembrists. if that's not the title, i apologize to the decembrists. but it made me feel like a g-d. check it out sometime. it's all about why you are the way you are for me, and i love that.

spectacularly,
Akinyi

FIRST POST IN BAHIA

So,

In case you guys are new, I'm in Salvador, which is basically the Afro-Brazilian capital of Brazil. It's in the state of Bahia, and it's pretty BAMF.

My fam is actually upper-middle class, so much for learning through experience in my home-stay, lol. The first two days I was with them we had a holiday in Bahia on Monday, so they took me with them to their BEACH HOUSE an hour north of Salvador. WHO HAS BEACH HOUSES! Craziness. We have a big balcony that we eat on that overlooks this gorgeous lake called Dique de Tororo, and it's the epitomy of looking down at the proletariat while I literally eat breakfast. Hot shower, fan, room to myself; it's kind of like Brown, haha.
As for the program itself, the academics are really lacking. I'm basically gonna do my ISP (Independent Study Project and basis of all SIT programs, like the one I'm on here in Salvador) religiously, finish it somewhat early-ish, and then hang in Bahia. I like it a lot here, and my Portuguese has really picked up already from the beginning. It gets more cultural to the North and more mainstream to the South. Not like I'm saying Rio wouldn't be fun or anything. Just something to be aware of when I spit love for Salvador, because it's literally reife with cultural influence from Angola and other lovely African slaves that made the Portuguese adopt any culture whatsoever. Like, people practice Capoiera here on beaches for fun. And people drum here like fucking bad-asses, compared to in the US. And there's literally a church for EVERY DAY OF THE YEAR (365). It's pretty Christian. And pretty intense.
I have 3 little kids in my house (from about 7-9 years-old), and the one boy, loves to kill things. Like, when we went to the beach, every big crab we found, he smashed to pieces. And he likes to kick things and scream a lot. He's kind of a psychopath. No, really, I hope he's not a psychopath.

And the other girls think I'm just kinda slow. I've learned a lot from smiling when I don't understand, and trying to have fun with the little Portuguese that I have. It's kind of intense, but really thrilling every time I learn a new word, or a new place. It sounds nerdy, but getting ice cream at this big touristy beach named Porto de Barra last Saturday was the biggest feat I've had in awhile.
I'm gonna learn a lot of Portuguese, if anything to my program's credit. The reading in our classes in general just doesn't match up with much of anything that we're doing, and we (ONLY 7 STUDENTS IN TOTAL, INCLUDING ME) basically make the classes run and interesting. I've made some happy acquaintances here that are Brazilian, but in general, it's hard to make friends outside of the program knowing as little Portuguese as I do. It'll get easier, but it makes me realize how insecure I can be when I'm not speaking a language I know well, like French, or even any language outside of English. It's a good thing that I'm learning that about myself now, so that I can make that the main thing for me to work through while here. And, the beach, of course, and the weather, is amazing. It'll get even hotter than it is here now by the time my dad comes to visit me in mid-December, since it'll become summer (seasons are flipped around because I'm south of the eqautor), and I already only sleep with a sheet, like everyone else, at night. It's hot.
I'm gonna start exploring more this weekend, as opposed to just reading and drinking and feeling a little awkward with my home-stay family.
...Just saying, I've had some sketch sketch SKETCHY experiences here already. Ask for sketchy stories from me personally, haha.

Anyways, more to update later. Just trying to start writing my ISP now, on Teenage Pregnancy and Supporting Systems and its Intersection with HIV AIDS prevalence in Salvador. IT'll be intense. And I get along with most of the people in my program, which I adore. It's gonna be a crazy next 13 weeks.

Spectacularly,
Akinyi

Welcome to my politically incorrect blog!

Hey populace,

So, here's how it works: if you want to ask me for the gruesome details of my life, you can do so privately via my amaaaazing e-mail address, hotrevolution@gmail.com. Or, Akinyi_Shapiro@brown.edu. Either one goes to the same place, and I will answer.

Otherwise, I'm doing big things this next 11 months, and will NOT be at Brown University.

Schedule:
June 21-August 15: Kenya, with my family (and yes, I've done it several times before)
August 15-August 31: FREE
August 31-December 29: In Salvador/other places, Brazil (my first semester program, on "Public Health and Community Welfare", with my independent study on teen pregnancy and supporting systems, and their intersection with HIV/AIDS in Salvador, Brazil)
December 29-January 14: FREE
January 14-May 7: In DC, Vietnam, South Africa and Sao Paulo, Brazil, in my Global Health program

EXPANDED ITINERARY:
Washington DC: January 14-January 27
South Africa: January 28-February 25
Vacation: February 26-March 4
Vietnam: March 5-April 4
Brazil: April 5-May 6

May 7: Back in the US or Kenya for awhile and hopefully employed wherever I go. TELL ME ABOUT INTERNSHIPS IF YOU KNOW ABOUT THEM FOR ME! I'd love to stay with family in California or North Carolina and internship, or stay in Providence and internship, or somewhere random in the world. Kenya would be great. Just something stable, por favor.


This loving blog will be how I relate my thoughts, wishes, and love-sendings to all YOU lovely folks, hand-selected to see them uncensored and free-flowing.


I may not write too often in Kenya, because that'd be kind of like writing from your own home, and that's awkward and self-indulgent.


Spectacularly,
Akinyi